best man
December 15, 2010, 10:21 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

the cuz got married last month, and asked me to be best man. he was nervous, and so was i, cos i had to do THE SPEECH. but after after some pre-event nerves…

the job got done!

big up to duncan and leesa!

here’s a copy of my speech, went down pretty good if i do say so myself…

good evening everyone.

on behalf of duncan and leesa, i’d like to thank you all for coming all the way out here to help celebrate their wedding today. for those of you who don’t know me, i’m duncan’s cousin, hayden. i just want to say what a great honour it is for me to be up here tonight, making this speech. duncan, thank you for asking me to be your best man, it means a lot to me, and i just hope one day you can find it in yourself to forgive me for what i’m about to tell everyone.

i don’t remember exactly when it was that i first met duncan, but i think i might have been about 3, and i think sheryl was giving him a bath in the kitchen sink. you wouldn’t know it from how well he’s scrubbed up for tonight, but by all accounts duncan was a very ugly baby. he would also cry incessantly, causing his father’s uncontrollable bouts of flatulence, a condition from which he still suffers.

needless to say, i’ve known duncan for quite a while. since i have 2 sisters, i guess he was always more like a brother to me. he wound me up, i beat the shit out of him, when i could  catch him. growing up with duncan was always a good time, because he would never shy away from an offer of getting up to some mischief, despite being one of the biggest mummy’s boys i know.

said mischief would usually occur during the summer holidays not long after the novelty of xmas with the family had worn thin. duncan was always up for a blindfolded game of darts, hot laps around the block on grandad’s nifty50, and knocking back bottles of grandad’s homebrew, sediment and all.

being a bit older than duncan i was usually entrusted by sheryl with getting him home in one piece. this trust was never greater than one new years eve in taupo, many years ago now, when duncan was allowed to go out with me for ‘just a few quiets’. it was on this fateful night than i learned something about duncan that i feel i must warn leesa about.

duncan has a drinking problem. and that problem is, he is useless at drinking.

so we had a ‘few quiets’ that night. myself and the bigger boys set a steady pace early on, but as he would do on the mountain bike back in those days, duncan surprised us all by keeping up, beer for beer. as usual, i had been entrusted with duncan’s safety, and i think i remember telling him to “steady on young fulla”, but alas, no, he held his pace, and his drink.

for a while.

until the time came to walk down to town. not far past our grandparents place, where we were all staying, duncan stopped and sat down by the gutter. “ifeelsick.” he said. a torrent of 16year old boy chunder soon followed. 10minutes, 20minutes, half an hour passed and duncan still hadn’t moved. as the new year ticked over, more boy chunder trickled its way down the hill towards lake taupo. then, a plea for help. ‘ineedagotoilet.’  “no.1’s or no.2’s?” i asked.

what did ya say palmer?

not being the type to let my cousin shit his pants in the gutter outside his grandparents house on new years eve, i rallied the boys to help me carry the now mostly lifeless and very floppy duncan back up the hill to nan & grandad’s place, where everyone was already sound asleep.

or not.

i’m not sure if it was duncan’s drunken groaning or just sheryl’s razor sharp mother’s instinct, but as we got in the door she was already wide eyed awake, demanding to know what i had done to her baby boy. to my dismay, grandad had also heard the commotion from upstairs and was now on his way down to see what was wrong.

i’m not sure if it was sheryl or dennis who finally got duncan to the toilet that night, but after i had managed to talk grandad back upstairs none the wiser, i returned to find duncan passed out in the shower, in his sleeping bag.

that said, let’s have a round of applause for the parents of the groom…

of course, duncan’s all grown up, and he’s married to this lovely young woman now. leesa, i know you already love him to bits and have various nicknames for various bits of him and all that kind of thing, but since just roasted him so badly, i should paint a slightly brighter picture for your future together.

so leesa, despite duncan being a crap drinker, despite him sleeping with his dog when you’re not home, despite him inheriting the infamous dennis leslie palmer dutch oven arse disorder, and despite him being related to me, you’ve landed yourself a keeper, girl.

being a true mummy’s boy, he will need you to be a strong woman who rules him with an iron fist, but also a tender woman who can kiss his sore thumb better after he wacks it with a hammer at a bad day on the tools. if you can manage that, i’m pretty sure duncan won’t cause you too much trouble over the next few decades, because he really is the best guy i have had the pleasure of knowing all my life.

leesa, if i could just get you to place your hand on the table. duncan, i’d just like to ask you to put your hand on top of leesa’s. duncan, as we make a toast to your future together i want you to hold leesa’s hand and really cherish that feeling, make it last – because this is the last time you will ever have the upper hand in this relationship.

not bad ay? big up to chris moore for the last paragraph, it’s a winner…


1 Comment so far
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Good speech Haydes!
Just showed Mum your blog, she had to get her glasses out. Have a good day 🙂

Comment by kellie

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